I have a suggestion for novices who find themselves in possession of the wine list at a restaurant but at a loss for what to do with it. Before I break it down for you, though, I have three caveats.

First, my trick will only work at a certain kind of restaurant, that is, where somebody — the owner, usually, but perhaps the head chef or a partner — has put more than a thought or two into the wine. Fortunately, this sort of spot has become ubiquitous, even at levels below “special occasion” restaurants. You can tell you’re in the right place if the wine list has more than two pages, more than three wines by the glass, and lots of wine names you don’t recognize.

Second, if you’re on a date, and you’re stressed to impress, I recommend you conceal your strategy from your companion. You’ll see why in a moment.

Finally, you will need to decide first whether you want to drink a white or a red. If you can’t do this, I can’t help you. Otherwise, for my proposal click here: More

Just in time for tax season, here’s a list of my ten favorite wines that cost less than, well, a lot of stuff, including a bouquet of flowers, three trips across the Golden Gate Bridge — even Madonna’s new CD. To make it easier to find the wines, I’ve listed the four reds, one rosé, and five whites by type, and then supplied a particular example from a producer I’ve grown to love. So if, say, you’re inspired to cop a highly-recommended cheap thrill off a pinot bianco from Italy, but can’t find my favorite from Terre di Gioia, trust me. Pretty much any pinot bianco in this price range will do the trick. For less than $3 per glass on the average, these wines will also take the edge off that check you’re writing April 15 to the military industrial complex.

For this year’s list of top ten wines less than $15, click here: More

Dear Wine Girl:
I hosted a holiday dinner party recently and one of my guests brought a very special bottle from his cellar: a 1986 Château Margaux, in fact, which he’d bought upon release way back when. I was so honored — and so flustered — by his generosity that when we decanted the bottle and I noticed some off aromas, I dismissed them, telling myself that the wine couldn’t be bad. Also I didn’t want my guest to be embarrassed. But more than halfway through our plates of Argentinian carbonada (all of us trying, but failing, to enjoy the Margaux with it) my neighbor finally confessed he thought the wine was “really tannic.” Truth is, it was corked and the meal was ruined. What should I have done?
Signed, Corky in the Wine Country

Dear Corky:
Lots of bad things can happen to a good bottle of wine. My sister in law once ordered a case of artisinal zinfandel shipped to her home in Phoenix, Arizona, which seemed very convenient until the UPS driver left the package on her front doorstep on a 110-degree afternoon. By the time she came home from work, that big zin had boiled up through the corks, seeped through the seals, and puddled all over the bottom of the box. She tried a sample, but it was truly “cooked”: tinny, a little burnt, and just not fresh.

I’ve also tasted wines that are oxidized, which means that too much oxygen has been absorbed into the wine, either because I let it age for longer than I should have, or because it was bottled improperly in its youth. In this case, again the wine will look pale and taste flat and overalcoholic. (That’s because tiny bits of oxygen will soften and eventually erase a wine’s fruit flavors, leaving you with tasteless booze).

But what does it mean when a bottle is corked, and what should you do if this horror befalls you? More

From the spit-not-swallow department: Some of you may have read the hilarious report in the New York Times yesterday about “wine tasters gone wild” in the Long Island wine region of New York state — complete with stories of limo-loads of bachelorettes dancing on table tops, inebriated haywagon riders running naked through the vines, and garden variety drunks demanding that tasting room pourers “fill ‘er up!” Apparently some Long Island wineries are disallowing party vans and limousines in an effort to cut down on this alarming trend. The Times reminds its readers that wine touring is about the wine, not the buzz, using the same tone as winery hosts who are having more and more to snort the self-righteous shibboleth at would-be guzzlers: “this is a tasting room, not a bar!”

But why doesn’t anyone point out that there’s one simple way to avoid being an Ugly American wine tourist: More

As Maya put it in Sideways, wine is a living thing. And she’s right: as it arcs through a youth, a middle age, and its golden years, every wine changes. And then, like all living things, it dies. So in the case of a good wine, or more specifically a fine wine that’s meant to last, the surprising answer to my titular question is never.

Even if it’s an ancient wine, robbed by the years of all its fruit flavors, and reduced by oxygenation to vinegar and alcohol, it’s not bad, just expired. I mean, you would never say of Diane Keaton for example that because she’s lost her figure she’s gone bad. She just plays a different role in your entertainment. Similarly, you would not say of ex-President Reagan that because he passed away he’s become pernicious; on the contrary, he’s now a legend. It’s the same with wine.

Now if any wine (fine or otherwise) is corked, cooked, or otherwise damaged, that wine would be bad, and you’d be correct to send it back in a restaurant. Or, if a wine is intact but not your style, then from your perspective you’re right to call it bad, but I wouldn’t recommend that you try to return it to the store you bought it from.

But a good wine is never bad. This was proved on me a few weekends ago by a very special old cabernet from the Napa winery Charles Krug. More

An important lesson from the age of food-and-wine enlightenment is that when a recipe called for wine, it does not mean the stuff they sell in supermarkets as “cooking wine.” Nor does it mean some half-consumed bottle that’s been in your fridge (or worse in your cabinet over the stove) for a year. Wine tastes so delicious as an ingredient because it started out delicious. As an analogy, you wouldn’t use rotten tomatoes in a home-made pasta sauce, would you? And unless you had some dietary restriction, you wouldn’t use skim milk instead of whole cream to make a creamy poppy-seed salad dressing. So don’t use denatured wine in your reduction.

But then the conventional wisdom took a big swing in the other direction. The axiom became: cooks should use only the wine that they’ll be serving with the meal once it’s finished. This silly rule led to a lot of abuses, like would-be French maîtres de cuisine throwing grand cru Burgundy into their coq au vin. The only good place for a $100 bottle of wine is in a glass, in your hand, on its way to your mouth.

For my rule of oven-mitted thumb on cooking with wine, click here: More

These are my five keys to loving Italian wine, distilled from my five-class course with Luca of Zigzando wines:

1. Eat, Drink, and be Maria

Italian wines are food wines. They are made to be enjoyed during a meal. That’s why they tend to be light to medium bodied in weight, so their flavors can complement rather than overwhelm the food. For the same reason, Italian wines — both red and white — tend to show a pleasing, refreshing acidity. I know that may sound icky. But at the right levels, it’s the acid in Italian wine that allows it to be so literally mouthwatering. A good Italian wine should feel like it’s washing through your mouth, clearing it, and readying it for your next bite.

So, don’t serve your lovely Italian vintage as stand-alone substitute for a cocktail. Serve it with food. The only exception might be prosecco, the delightful bubbly from the northwest of Italy, which is ideal as an aperitif. Still, a good dry prosecco is so light and lively I like to bring it down to earth with a handful of baked parmesan crisps.

Only four more steps to Italian wine perfection, so click here: More

[For the intro to this story and another model resolution, click here.]

Model Resolutions, continued:
#2 Eat More Foie Gras

This is my personal New Year’s resolution for 2007, actually. And it has something of a dark back story. You see, my former neighbor used to run an intimate, tasty restaurant in Sonoma called Sonoma Saveurs, known in part for its inventive preparations of foie gras, a rich, butter-textured, expensive delicacy made from the artificially-fattened livers of ducks and geese. (Foie gras means “fatty liver” in French.) He was also a part owner of one of the three foie gras farms in the U.S., Sonoma Foie Gras (pictured above). But after radical animal rights activists vandalized his restaurant, threatened his family, and burglarized his farm, he shuttered his bistro and was forced to sell his house.

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Because they always involve giving something up, generally I hate New Year’s resolutions. But then I fell in love with wine. With so many unsampled varieties out there, it made sense to my novitiate mind to promise at the outset of every year to delve into a wine I might otherwise neglect. This spirit expanded into foods, coveted gadgets, and all sorts of other pleasuremongering. Even my friends and family got into it: this year my sister-in-law announced that her resolution for 2007 is “to wear bigger earrings.” Watch out, Liz Taylor!

Here are some model resolutions, including some from my recent past — and one involving a soon-to-be-illegal substance.

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Are you going to get the most mileage possible out of the wine you’ll be drinking this holiday season? I’m not talking about rationing your great aunt’s sherry. I’m talking about matching your wine with your food – which, if done right, makes both your beverage and your dinner taste better.

Problem is, the traditional Thanksgiving feast is the turkey of all pairing propositions. (Sorry; I couldn’t resist.) And yes, it’s in part because of that darned big bird.

To find out about the turkey’s wine-pairing revenge, and how to survive it, click here for More