Ugly American Wine Tasters

From the spit-not-swallow department: Some of you may have read the hilarious report in the New York Times yesterday about “wine tasters gone wild” in the Long Island wine region of New York state — complete with stories of limo-loads of bachelorettes dancing on table tops, inebriated haywagon riders running naked through the vines, and garden variety drunks demanding that tasting room pourers “fill ‘er up!” Apparently some Long Island wineries are disallowing party vans and limousines in an effort to cut down on this alarming trend. The Times reminds its readers that wine touring is about the wine, not the buzz, using the same tone as winery hosts who are having more and more to snort the self-righteous shibboleth at would-be guzzlers: “this is a tasting room, not a bar!”

But why doesn’t anyone point out that there’s one simple way to avoid being an Ugly American wine tourist:

Spitting. Using a spittoon may not seem civilized at first. Indeed, my wife is always telling me in tasting rooms that I’m gross when I spit, and (worse?) “wasting the wine.” But which is less polite? Spitting discreetly in a visitors’ center, or standing up through the sun roof on the drive home, trying to rap to “The Chronic”? I didn’t object to this stunt when it seemed like a good idea to a fellow taster a few years ago, since it was amusing. But my point stands. Plus, I just don’t understand how wineries, most of which are located in rural areas and accessible only by car, don’t for safety’s sake encourage more spitting. Again, it’s a hundred times less shameful to duck briefly over a spittoon than to squat publicly on a jail toilet, “DUI” forever on your record. Now there’s a waste of wine.