November 21st, 2006
7 Truly Tasteless Wine Gadgets and Gifts
1. Girl’s Legs Wine Bottle Stopper, $24.95
It’s a Playmate, In Your Chardonnay
I’ve never liked those vodka ads with hot models lounging in martini glasses. This subtext to this tchotchke devolves in the same downward ideological direction, like: I was minding my own business, enjoying my grand cru, and this stripper appeared out of nowhere, dove headfirst into my bottle, and now she’s trapped!
WineGirl Hint: If the sexism of this gift bothers you, opt for animal cruelty with this alternative:
The Blitzen Reindeer Ornament, a toasted piece of roadkill can adorn your tree:
2. Manly Port Bottle Tongs, $109Since when was wine enthusiasm linked to sadomasochism? Apparently this tool is useful in the case of very old port, because the cork may have decayed to the point where you have to apply these tongs, which you’ve preheated in your fireplace, to sear off the entire neck of the bottle. The only real value to this instrument of torture may be for your next wine trivia game: it’s called “tenazes” in Portuguese. Click HERE for More
3. V is for Vineyard Baby Onesie, $29.95
Can Baby Say, Mama’s a Drunk?
This jumper ranks down there with those “Queer Spawn” T-shirts for pink-diaper babies.
I’m sorry, no matter how noble the theme, if it’s not legal for the underaged, and a billboard for it shouldn’t be hanging off the necks of toddlers.
I suggest as an alternate, since it provides humor at our expense and not that of our future world leaders, this “Mommy Drinks Because I Cry” baby T.
4. ENTIRE Bottle of Wine Glass, $13.95
The Wine Glass for People who Don’t Share
(Ok, so maybe we all sceretly want this one.)
Nothing says, Back off! better than this stem that holds an entire bottle of wine.
As the catalogue puts it:
“If you limit yourself to ‘just one glass’ of wine to relax, you better make it this glass!
“Giant glass goblet holds an entire bottle of your favorite vintage–it’s a wine lover’s dream come true!”
WineGirl Plus: It’s even dishwasher safe.
5. Wine Enthusiast Man of the Year and Magazine Subscription $139.95
$139.95???
Is the hole in your gift-recipient’s ego so gaping that he needs this tacky, fallacious commemorative poster to cover it? And I do mean he. Although the fine print says you can get this framed, matted monstrosity with the alternate titles “woman” or “chateau,” this faux magazine cover is a guy thing, and billed as such.
“There’s a careful 7 1/4″ x 7″ cut-out in the cover so you can slide in a photograph of your favorite wine enthusiast. Every wine lover on your list should have one.”
6. Grape Flip-Flops, $25.00
Don’t Tread on Me
I’m no hygiene freak, but I do think it was a sanitary idea for wineries to replace human feet with machines when it came to crushing grapes. Now the old association, which is not romantic in my book, between our lower extremities and wine is back. Available in chardonnay and pinot noir, to match any outfit, I guess.
7. Vintage Chart Tie, Yellow, $29.95
Sir, you ah..have something on your tie.
The only thing worse than wearing this tie would be looking at it to determine whether you should order the Two-Buck-Chuck ‘05 or ‘06 while reading it upside down.
Seen Worse? I’m sure you’ve spotted a disturbing, tasteless, or just plain funny wine-related gift. Email me and let me know about it.
And before you go…please try these great stories:
–What Wine to Serve at Thanksgiving
–WineGirlOnline’s Free Wine Tips Newsletter <--a must
– Have Wine, Won’t Travel
raincoaster says:
I’m relatively sure that any man who would wear that tie would wear it with a shirt with the Periodic Table printed on it. And that he drinks himself to sleep alone every damn night.
November 22nd, 2006 at 8:12 pm